


Next Time, Ask First Before Putting Your Nemesis's Address Down For Your Package (So He Knows It's Yours And Not His)

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [126]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Demisexual Perry the Platypus, Fade to Black, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, POV Second Person, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:09:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26318464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: So, he found the package. That was your first mistake.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [126]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746841
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	Next Time, Ask First Before Putting Your Nemesis's Address Down For Your Package (So He Knows It's Yours And Not His)

**Author's Note:**

> Tl;dr Perry's embarrassing package is sent to Heinz's place. This is a deliberate choice. It's also a bad one.

Mating season is a _fuck_ of a time, in every way except literally. Crossing your legs, you force down a whimper and focus firmly on your post-mission paperwork, doing your best to ignore your body screaming at you to go out and _mate_. One, you're not that sort of platypus. Two, you can't imagine letting yourself be that vulnerable, for _anyone_.

Three, you've already ordered something that should take the edge off. Bless humans and their ingenuity.

You didn't get it sent _here_ , to your _home_. There's bad ideas and then there's _that_ idea. The chance of your owners finding it would be too high, and with it the risk of blowing your cover. That's the last thing you want. And, even if they _didn't_ suspect you, there'd still be the awkward questions to _each other_ , and the _guilt_ you'd feel at putting them through that. Best to avoid that entire minefield.

As usual these days, your mind had turned to your nemesis instead. _He_ gets mail, _you're_ over there each day, chances are you'll be able to grab the package and leave before he's even aware it exists. What could go wrong?

All you have to do now is wait.

* * *

So, he found the package. That was your first mistake.

The second is still being here while he opens it. Your mind runs through all the possible reactions he could have to your... _purchases_... and, more importantly, what happens when he realises they're _yours_.

"When they said express shipping, I didn't think they meant _this_ fast," he monologues to himself, and pulls out the box with the - you gulp - string of silicone beads. The reviews said it was almost like laying eggs and you couldn't help but _wonder_ \- "Wait, why did they send the _orange_ ones? I _know_ I didn't order _that_ colour."

You choke on spit because _what_. Did he- But- Does that mean-

Images flash through your mind of Heinz - not _your nemesis_ Doctor D, but _Heinz_ \- naked- laying eggs- laying _your_ eggs- looking up at you with tear-filled eyes as he whispers-

And that's your third mistake. Shaking the thoughts out of your head, you press your back to the wall, paws pressed against your eyes as you focus on steadying your breathing and not the growing pressure between your legs. Fuck. You need to get out of here, _now_ , before _fucking_ mating season makes you do something you'll regret.

* * *

Making it home without further incident, you slump against the wall of your lair with a groan. Thank fuck you have so much self-control.

Not that it helps, when your paw doesn't do much for your growing frustration. That's _why_ you ordered the toy in the first place, so you didn't have to rely on your paw alone, because it's not doing the job any more.

One half-hearted orgasm later and you stagger back to the chair by your computer, paw aching. Time to order something else.

* * *

It's not until the next morning that you remember he ordered his own _toy_. If he finds it before you do, he'll start asking _questions_ , and you can't have that. You have a standard to uphold. Also a deep need to mount or be mounted, but the entire point is to _not_ tell him that.

Going through your usual morning routine like you're _not_ internally panicking, you're in your chair before Major Monogram calls, ready for your briefing. "It's Doofenshmirtz," he begins, and you don't need to pay attention to anything after that. Hearing his name, knowing you're to thwart him, is a relief of its own, and you try not to think about _why_. You still have a job to do.

Things used to be so much simpler. Mating season had been an inconvenience, but you'd never let it compromise your professionalism, even outside of _thwarting_. Even with nothing but your paw to help.

Back during your first mating season, you'd tried to imagine being with another platypus, having offspring with them. That was what your instincts wanted, right? And it had been nice in theory, but the one time you'd taken up OWCA's open offer of provided mating partners, you hadn't managed even the slightest interest. Technically two times, you'd gone on to pick the other option just in case, but nothing had come of either.

After that, you just didn't bother. Your job kept you too busy to have the time or energy to worry about finding a mate. The rest, you could manage with your paw. And that had worked well enough for a while.

Of course, that had all been before you met Heinz.

What's so different about _him_ , that keeping your mind on the task at paw is so difficult this time around? You haven't dared answer. Your professionalism is fragile enough as it is, these days.

Luckily, you arrive at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated just as his mail arrives. And, with it, a familiar-looking box.

The door slams open as you pick it up and you freeze, glancing up at his silhouette. Of _fucking_ course he caught you. "Perry the Platypus," he begins, hands firmly on hips, "are you _stealing_ my _mail_? Really, I expected _better_ of you, _Good Guy_ and all."

You wince, hiding the package behind your back. Maybe, if you're lucky, he'll lose interest and let you escape with your dignity intact.

"Give me that," he says instead, making a grab for it. "Whatever it is, I paid good money for it. I don't know _what_ it is, but, you know, I buy a _lot_ of things online, I've probably just _forgotten_ -"

No he _didn't_ , you want to snarl. You stomp down on the urge. _Technically_ he _did_ pay for it, but _you_ paid for the _other_ one out of your meagre paycheck so it all balances out. He owes you this. If he wants the competent and focused nemesis he deserves, he'll give you this much.

You dodge his next lunge, ducking under his legs and running into his apartment. Escaping from him should be easy. You know the place like the back of your paw, you've been here often enough.

Somehow he keeps up, no matter where you turn- _right_ , this is _his_ home. How the fuck did you _forget_ that?

He corners you in his bedroom, blocking the only door out, and you've seen enough human romance movies to need to take a second to calm your racing heart. _Fuck_ this mating season. The longer you go, the harder it is to keep yourself from pouncing on him. That could only end badly. You're not going to throw away a good solid _nemesisship_ just to _mate_ , no matter how desperate you get, or how oddly attractive he is with his hands on his hips, but the urge is there regardless. Fuck's sake. "Are you _done_?"

Pushing down a whimper, you toss the box onto the bed near him with as much nonchalance as you can find, where he picks it up. You can't bring yourself to watch as he turns it over, your one chance at relief in his hands. _This_ can only go badly. It already has, for you to be in this position. How the _fuck_ did it all go so wrong?

"That's funny," he says, squinting at what you're certain is the unassuming logo on the box, "I don't remember buying anything _else_ \- Did _you_ order this, Perry the Platypus?"

You give him a flat look. Hasn't he figured it out yet?

A blush crosses his face as he puts it together. "Oh," he squeaks, giving the box back, thankfully _without_ opening it. You've survived enough embarrassment today. "Well enjoy your, uh- Were you planning to _thwart_ me _now_ , or do you need some _alone time_ first?"

Images flash through your mind again, of his hands on you- pinning you down- his breath on your bill- mounting you the _human_ way-

Quashing those thoughts, you stare at him, a little helplessly. Thwart him now so you can take the afternoon for yourself? Or take some time to try your new toy first and get yourself back under control, in _his_ home, and pretend it changes nothing about your nemesisship?

Would it make a difference, when he already knows the most damning part of all?

"Should I, uh, go?" he asks, backing towards the door. "I'll _go_ , so you can, er, you know. Try it out. In private." Is he _blushing_? Not that you can _blame_ him, your cheeks are warm under your fur. "I'll just... leave you to it, then?" The door swings shut behind him. "Lube's in the top drawer!"

You narrow your eyes at the door, in case it's all a distraction from his real scheme, then turn your attention back to the box in your paws. It's short work to get it open, and then you're clutching your prize in your paws.

Teal. It's _teal_. Why would he want-

Swallowing a whimper, you push your conclusions out of your mind, and the images they conjure up. Now is not the time to wonder if he thinks of you the way you've been thinking of _him_ recently. You can worry about that _after_ you thwart him, when you've cleared your mind from the _distraction_ that is mating season.

Actually using your new toy proves difficult. Not just because your body is, apparently, different from humans, but also because you're not in water the way your instincts demand. You don't know how humans manage it.

From the other side of the door, Heinz clears his throat. "Can I come in? I'm coming in-"

You jerk back, tail coming up to cover yourself. Doesn't he have _any_ sense of fucking _privacy_? No, of course not, this is your nemesis. Socially inept doesn't begin to cover it.

"So," he says, pointedly looking away like you won't notice his eyes flicking towards you every couple of seconds, "I couldn't help but _overhear_ you having some _difficulties_ there. Are you using enough _lube_? I always get the _scented_ stuff, it's _strawberry_ -" Frowning, he sniffs the air. "You aren't using _any_ , are you? Is that a _platypus_ thing? I don't know what you have going on down there, maybe you don't _need_ it-" He clears his throat, fingers twisting together. " _Anyway_. Do you want some _help_? You know, man to platypus, it doesn't _have_ to mean-" He cuts himself off. "Never mind. Do you want a _hand_? And by _hand_ I mean-"

Before you think it through, you're already nodding, despite all the reasons you shouldn't, and there are _many_. But when has your heart ever listened? Maybe one day you'll be able to refuse this man, but today is _clearly_ not that day.

* * *

Curled up bonelessly in his arms afterwards, you breathe in his scent, more relaxed than you've been in years. He's right, this doesn't _have_ to change anything.

On the other paw, he was right about the- what did he call it, lube? In case you needed proof he knows more about _mating_ than you do. More experience, more _ingenuity_ , and he wielded it with a skill you're not going to forget any time soon. Your idle fantasies had nothing on the reality.

Besides, maybe you _want_ things to change. It doesn't _have_ to, you know that as well as he does, but that doesn't mean it _can't_.

There's no one you want for a mate more than him. Sure, he's your nemesis, but he's also _good_ with his _hands_ , in more ways than you'd realised. Would it be so bad if you _wanted_ that? What else could he teach you about mating, if you let him?

Yawning, you stretch, your muscles nice and loose. Worth it.

"Oh good, you're back," he murmurs, his fingers running through your fur, startlingly intimate. "Feeling any better? You seemed really _stressed_ before, I mean with the whole, _you know_ -"

That's when you kiss him. Letting instinct take over, you reach your paws past his shoulders and press your mouth to his.

He sighs into you, pulling back. "Something's been _bothering_ me about all this," he says, and scritches your shoulders so you know it's a _monologue_ , not a flinch. "So, I know you put _my_ address down for the _delivery_ and that's why it showed up _here_ , but really, you didn't have _any_ other options? I know the _post office_ rents out _mailboxes_ , you _could_ have gone _there_ instead, I'm sure they'll let a _secret agent_ like _you_ use one. But _no_ , you sent them _here_. Were you _trying_ to get caught? If you _were_ , you _succeeded_." As annoyed as he sounds, you know he doesn't mean it. If he did, he wouldn't keep brushing- "Are there any _other_ packages I should know about?"

Well, fuck. The other awkward conversation you were hoping to avoid. You exhale, nodding, because you can't exactly _lie_ to him, not _now_. Not when he's your _mate_. Besides, maybe he'll want to use it on you, just like the other one.

"Of course there is." Despite his usual accusatory tone, he's grinning. "Let me guess, _you_ are going to want _my_ help when it shows up, Perry the _Boyfriend_ pus." A new nickname, one you're sure you'll hear much more of. At least he's open to the idea. That was your main worry, that he'd prefer your nemesisship as it was. "You _are_ , aren't you?"

Once again, images appear in your mind, and if you weren't so pleasantly exhausted you'd be tempted to act on them. Heinz, the way he'd looked only minutes ago- Heinz's hands _on_ you- _in_ you- his bare skin under your paws- his lips on your _bill_ -

Then he kisses you, _properly_ , showing you how it's done. Maybe this fucking mating season isn't going to be so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably my first fic where I'm this overt about my demi Perry headcanon. I was also gonna write him as intersex but I couldn't figure out a way to bring it up without it feeling forced so uh that got cut. Doesn't mean he can't still be, though.
> 
> Perryshmirtz server in series description as always.


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